Gradualness (huh?)

I was cleaning yesterday and started vacuuming my bedroom carpet. I've been a little neglectful of this part of housework for a while. Lotsa dog hair. I started vacuuming and I noticed it wasn't sucking up a whole lot. So I opened it up and rediscovered that there is a filter that needs to be cleaned. The note that tells you to clean the filter every six months was covered with dust. So I wiped it off and realized that one, I hadn't seen that note for years and two, holy shit the filter had literally five inches of dog hair and compressed dust caked over it so you wouldn't know that the filter was even there. Of course you wouldn't know that it was there because the note telling you about the filter was covered in dust. So I cleaned the filter and put it back in, turned on the machine and it worked great. Then it hit me. I realized that over a period of time the machine was sucking up dust less and less efficiently, but the change was so gradual I didn't notice for a long time. I did notice when it got real bad, and that is when I took action to try to figure out why.

You have probably figured out by now where I'm going with this story. Our lives change all the time. Our relationships, health, actions, and even thought processes change gradually over time. But most often it is such a slow process that we don't notice until something demands our attention. Good or bad. For example, a longtime relationship is usually in constant flux, even though we may not see it until something happens and all of the sudden wow, I changed or you changed or we both changed. Hopefully when you or me change it is good for us.
But.... but....sometimes not. When that happens it is time to re-evaluate the relationship. Can it go forward? Can it survive a supposedly sudden change? In retrospect it was really a change that evolved over time. Like a glacier, we don't notice it moving, but it does. We notice when it leaves big gouges in the ground. So like the glacier a change can leave a big gouge in our heart. It hurts and is uncomfortable and is stressing us out enormously. It can become absolutely unbearable.

So what do we do with this gradual change in our lives? How do we recognize the gradual change in everything? Sometimes we take action for good or bad. Sometimes we do nothing, even inaction can influence change. I don’t have any good answers. Nothing is as simple as we would like and nothing is as complicated as we think. Life is. Life does. Life will always be. Maybe we have developed some wisdom over the years we can apply to the gradual rhythm of life. We can’t really see the glacier move. We can only operate with the information we have and try our best. The phrase "time marches on" is so true, we can't stop the clock; we can't go back and gently nudge our past selves into a more logical action or healthier living. We can only try to deal with what is, and hopefully, use some of that accumulated wisdom we obtained ever so gradually.

Bras for a Cause!

Last night I helped out my friends at Gildas Club at the fundraising event Bras for a Cause.  I had a great time helping to make sure all the souvenir and raffle people had enough change and that their aprons didn't get too stuffed with money.  What a problem to have!  

I just walked around all night collecting money and observing people.  I love people watching.  I knew there were a lot of tickets sold, but I didn't realize how many people would actually show up. Are there so many people in our community touched by cancer or with loved ones or friends with cancer that they are willing to contribute to yet another cause?  And I observed that most people attending  seemed happy and most were interested in contributing even more to our club.  That made me feel good.  

It was quite crowded with all sorts of people.  Some dressed to the hilt, some more casual. A good mixture of young and old. Although there did seem to be a lot of younger women there,  I understand why.  There are way too many young women that get breast cancer.  Now, I am considered young to have gotten prostate cancer, but a person in their twenties or thirties should not have to deal with this. 

So it was an evening of mixed emotions. I felt so much for Kevin, the husband of Shannon who died this past April.  He seems so strong and confident, I admire him.  It was a joy to watch the breast cancer survivors parading onto the stage confident and sure that they were participating in a great event that encompassed all survivors of all types of cancer.  Standing up and showing all that cancer is not the end, but teaches us to enjoy the life we do have,  and fully embrace the time we have in this world.  My friend Nancy.  The leader of the pack, so to say.  Her energy, organization, and pure will to make sure this night succeeded is an inspiration to me.  
There is one more heroine in this story of joy in life and perseverance.  A woman who could not participate like she wanted to.  But chose to attend even though it was physically and mentally challenging to do so.  A person that cancer is trying to beat down but through her good humor, courage, kind and supportive manner, is facing this round of treatment like a boxer that refuses to go down and rallies to win.  No matter how she feels she always greets me with a huge smile and nice hug....my friend and inspiration....Alex.

Bras for a cause has done a lot for me.  I have some new friends. I have learned  what it means to overcome grief, sorrow and the pain of losing someone close to you and turn that grief into something positive and, yes I will say it, an uplifting event. And even though I helped in a very small way, my help was appreciated. And it is so nice to be thought of.  I will do it again next year, I already have ideas and can't wait for the event that has so helped Gildas Club and it's members.  Maybe we can add boxers for a cause.  I will so be there.

What do you expect?

What do you expect? From friends, family, the government, the world, God? Should we expect anything at all? Are we owed something? Is what we do and how we conduct our lives reason to have the expectation of getting something in return? What do others expect from us? Do I expect to get any answers to all these questions? That I can answer. No I don't. But part of being a thinking feeling person is asking questions that have no clear cut answers. But it is always interesting to discuss and even argue about these questions.
I have been hearing a lot lately about how I should have no expectations in my relationship with my family, friends, strangers, God. Ok this is what I don't get. If you have no expectations then how do we feel, how do we love, how are we a caring friend? It seems to me that expectation is tied up with our feelings toward everyone. With no expectations there is only logic and thought. That sounds good, we have found a way to insulate ourselves against hurt and disappointments. But without the need to hear a loved ones voice at a critical time. or see a friend when we need that closeness and confidant, we become closed off and distant. We have some expectation that people will be there for us at least some of the time. For example, I have a friend, but what kind of friend always puts you off and never has time to meet. I expect something from all my friends, that is to at least try to maintain the connection, otherwise why be friends.
Maybe we have no expectations for people or events in our life that we really don't care that much about. That is easy. What's difficult is having little or no expectations for someone you care about. It hurts when they don't meet your expectations. After a relationship, either friend or more, is established there are mutual expectations, and that is what makes a relationship strong. When two people share common expectations the relationship progresses from you or me to the most prized aspect of human interaction, "we". At that point the expectations evolve into "it just happens". Effortless and beautiful.
Sometimes a relationship will devolve into too many unreasonable expectations. Its a shame. Even loving relationships can suffer that fate. Then it's up to those involved to re-evaluate those expectations and try to replace those that don't work with new ones that can rekindle the "we".
So what have I learned so far in this emotional journey through life? I am trying to see things from another's point of view, people can't always be there when I want and do and behave as I want. Maybe I should lower my expectations to coincide with reality. I think I would be happier doing so. Ill try. And that is a positive step forward.