It been a while and I thought it might be appropriate, at the end of the year to talk about death. There are some ends that have happened or will soon. First, is my friend Deb. She is the first of my cancer friends to die. First person that is close to me since my mother in 1996. Also of cancer. I know it is inevitable that others will. As is said so often, death is a part of life. It relieves our pain and starts us toward a new life. It leaves the ones close to us behind. So we grieve, I think more for ourselves being left without that spouse or friend, or advisor. After a while the deep pain we feel subsides and we think a little less often about them, but their spirit remains alive in us. And it is that essence that we carry with us from life to life. Ever feel like a person you just met is familiar? That feeling is the spirit of our past spouses, parents, children or friends. It is a constant cycle of spirit with no beginning and no end. Maybe when we shed all Karma we can fade into the infinity of God universal.
But until that happens we cope as best we can with life. We try to evolve into better people and help where we can. Guided by the spirit of those who are not physically with us. I know that as I get older and people I know die, I will be finding spirits from my past,and new spirits, to guide me in the future as I will for them. So, I know that we might feel left behind by those who die, but it is only temporary. We have a constant through all of this. That constant is the faith that God/universe is always with us. We part a bit from God as living beings some of us trying to rejoin in life. Some can, most don't even think about it. It is a personal journey, God is unique for each of us.
I see the suffering and pain (sometimes drawn out way to long) that some go through. That part I have no explanation for. That part is the worse for all experiencing it. But, what comforts me is that the suffering does end. At that point we all accept the inevitable. Death is not the finale. It is part of that infinite cycle. It is a new beginning.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Epitaph
This is a prayer I would like to share with you in honor of my friend Deb, who passed away on December 10th from ovarian cancer. I know she would like it.
Epitaph
When I die
Give what’s left of me away
To children
And old men who wait to die
And if you need to cry
Cry for your brother
Walking the street beside you.
And when you need me,
Put your arms
Around anyone
And give them
What you need to give to me.
I want to leave you something,
Something better
Than words
Or sounds.
Look for me
In the people
I’ve known
Or loved,
And if you cannot give me away,
At least let me live on in your eyes
And not in your mind.
You can love me most
By letting hands touch hands,
By letting bodies touch bodies,
And by letting go
Of children
Who need to be free.
Love doesn’t die,
People do.
So, when all that’s left of me
Is love,
Give me away.
Death in not the end, it is the beginning of.......
Epitaph
When I die
Give what’s left of me away
To children
And old men who wait to die
And if you need to cry
Cry for your brother
Walking the street beside you.
And when you need me,
Put your arms
Around anyone
And give them
What you need to give to me.
I want to leave you something,
Something better
Than words
Or sounds.
Look for me
In the people
I’ve known
Or loved,
And if you cannot give me away,
At least let me live on in your eyes
And not in your mind.
You can love me most
By letting hands touch hands,
By letting bodies touch bodies,
And by letting go
Of children
Who need to be free.
Love doesn’t die,
People do.
So, when all that’s left of me
Is love,
Give me away.
Death in not the end, it is the beginning of.......
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
On the Edge of the Abyss
Yeah, this is going to be a little on the dark side. Ya know what....I don't care. Feelings are feelings and sometimes they get so loud in the head that if I don't acknowledge them, they might come flooding out my ears.
I've had this image in my head for a while now. It's an image of walking up to the edge of a bottomless pit, looking over the lip and staring into the black nothingness of infinity. So I'm trying to figure out what drives us to that edge. What the abyss represents and why I can't seem to either jump across safely or dive head first into the comforting void. I'm just frozen there staring. Doing nothing but thinking. Taking no action.
So this is what I think might be happening. I am going through a lot of changes and re evaluation of everything in my life. So the pit represents the negative outcomes of possible actions. Naturally, the idea of the other side shows the safety of positive decisions and actions. Right now I'm frozen with indecision at the edge. I think about saying to myself, fuck it all and dive in and take the easy route. After all falling forever takes no effort, just a little push off the edge and down you go into oblivion. But, jumping to the other side, making positive decisions and actions takes effort and will power, and has more tangible rewards in the long run. It is easy for an observer to give their advice on your actions. But they should only give unbiased honest opinions. That is what I do with my friends, straightforward observation, opinion and advice. I see through my eyes of course, but the advice is given with caring and concern for someone that is important to me. I expect the same in return. But ultimately we alone make our life decisions. We decide to jump in or jump across.
Now here is the part of this image that blows my mind if I think too much. If we jump in we think we are going into a pit of nothingness, but it really leads to a long fall that ends up landing on the edge of another pit, for another decision. And if we jump across the pit we walk a while only to come upon another.
We live with the consequences of our decisions and actions. And some of our actions can and do effect our future lives. I think that is why I see an unending line of pits. The individual one is not infinity. Our decision, positive or negative, will lead us on to further decisions. But we must make a decision, because if we take no action and just teeter on the edge we run the risk of sinking into the soft dirt of the edge and not ever moving again. That inaction is worse than the abyss, that inaction is really the edge of insanity.
I've had this image in my head for a while now. It's an image of walking up to the edge of a bottomless pit, looking over the lip and staring into the black nothingness of infinity. So I'm trying to figure out what drives us to that edge. What the abyss represents and why I can't seem to either jump across safely or dive head first into the comforting void. I'm just frozen there staring. Doing nothing but thinking. Taking no action.
So this is what I think might be happening. I am going through a lot of changes and re evaluation of everything in my life. So the pit represents the negative outcomes of possible actions. Naturally, the idea of the other side shows the safety of positive decisions and actions. Right now I'm frozen with indecision at the edge. I think about saying to myself, fuck it all and dive in and take the easy route. After all falling forever takes no effort, just a little push off the edge and down you go into oblivion. But, jumping to the other side, making positive decisions and actions takes effort and will power, and has more tangible rewards in the long run. It is easy for an observer to give their advice on your actions. But they should only give unbiased honest opinions. That is what I do with my friends, straightforward observation, opinion and advice. I see through my eyes of course, but the advice is given with caring and concern for someone that is important to me. I expect the same in return. But ultimately we alone make our life decisions. We decide to jump in or jump across.
Now here is the part of this image that blows my mind if I think too much. If we jump in we think we are going into a pit of nothingness, but it really leads to a long fall that ends up landing on the edge of another pit, for another decision. And if we jump across the pit we walk a while only to come upon another.
We live with the consequences of our decisions and actions. And some of our actions can and do effect our future lives. I think that is why I see an unending line of pits. The individual one is not infinity. Our decision, positive or negative, will lead us on to further decisions. But we must make a decision, because if we take no action and just teeter on the edge we run the risk of sinking into the soft dirt of the edge and not ever moving again. That inaction is worse than the abyss, that inaction is really the edge of insanity.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Oh, God
I have never quoted an author in my blog before, but I feel compelled to share what I have read recently because of the impact a few words from a book have had on me. The book is Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. You might have seen the movie. The movie is very good, but the book is amazing. How one person can be so insightful into the human condition and offer…well offer that there is hope in our lives, that even though we might be going through depression, loneliness and a lot of changes, there is a constant through it all.
Elizabeth is in Rome on an expedition of self exploration and is sitting in her apartment one night, feeling very depressed and lonely. She had been taking an anti-depressant but has stopped. She is feeling very alone. So she has starts a conversation with God, with whom she admits she sometimes doesn’t believe in. Then she writes in her journal, a revelation, “Who are you talking to, then?” She goes on to write:
“I’m here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. If you need the medication again, go ahead and take it—I will love you through that, as well. If you don’t need the medication, I will love you, too. There’s nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.”
Later in that chapter she writes about finding herself to be her own best friend. I think it is important for us to realize that you have to be your own best friend no matter what, because when everyone else is gone from the room, you are left with yourself. Depression and loneliness make lousy friends and don’t have your best interest at heart. So when we discover ourselves to be our own best friend we let in the possibility that God does exist and that we talk to God when we are talking to ourselves. Maybe wise words of encouragement don’t always have to come from the bible or learned scholars. Maybe wisdom is found in some unlikely places, like the words in a book by a woman we don’t even know yet seems to be able to look into our souls and find some truth. We don’t need to travel the world to find our truths, we just need to travel into our heart, and there, if we pay attention and listen, we can find the voice of God.
Elizabeth is in Rome on an expedition of self exploration and is sitting in her apartment one night, feeling very depressed and lonely. She had been taking an anti-depressant but has stopped. She is feeling very alone. So she has starts a conversation with God, with whom she admits she sometimes doesn’t believe in. Then she writes in her journal, a revelation, “Who are you talking to, then?” She goes on to write:
“I’m here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. If you need the medication again, go ahead and take it—I will love you through that, as well. If you don’t need the medication, I will love you, too. There’s nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.”
Later in that chapter she writes about finding herself to be her own best friend. I think it is important for us to realize that you have to be your own best friend no matter what, because when everyone else is gone from the room, you are left with yourself. Depression and loneliness make lousy friends and don’t have your best interest at heart. So when we discover ourselves to be our own best friend we let in the possibility that God does exist and that we talk to God when we are talking to ourselves. Maybe wise words of encouragement don’t always have to come from the bible or learned scholars. Maybe wisdom is found in some unlikely places, like the words in a book by a woman we don’t even know yet seems to be able to look into our souls and find some truth. We don’t need to travel the world to find our truths, we just need to travel into our heart, and there, if we pay attention and listen, we can find the voice of God.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Gradualness (huh?)
I was cleaning yesterday and started vacuuming my bedroom carpet. I've been a little neglectful of this part of housework for a while. Lotsa dog hair. I started vacuuming and I noticed it wasn't sucking up a whole lot. So I opened it up and rediscovered that there is a filter that needs to be cleaned. The note that tells you to clean the filter every six months was covered with dust. So I wiped it off and realized that one, I hadn't seen that note for years and two, holy shit the filter had literally five inches of dog hair and compressed dust caked over it so you wouldn't know that the filter was even there. Of course you wouldn't know that it was there because the note telling you about the filter was covered in dust. So I cleaned the filter and put it back in, turned on the machine and it worked great. Then it hit me. I realized that over a period of time the machine was sucking up dust less and less efficiently, but the change was so gradual I didn't notice for a long time. I did notice when it got real bad, and that is when I took action to try to figure out why.
You have probably figured out by now where I'm going with this story. Our lives change all the time. Our relationships, health, actions, and even thought processes change gradually over time. But most often it is such a slow process that we don't notice until something demands our attention. Good or bad. For example, a longtime relationship is usually in constant flux, even though we may not see it until something happens and all of the sudden wow, I changed or you changed or we both changed. Hopefully when you or me change it is good for us.
But.... but....sometimes not. When that happens it is time to re-evaluate the relationship. Can it go forward? Can it survive a supposedly sudden change? In retrospect it was really a change that evolved over time. Like a glacier, we don't notice it moving, but it does. We notice when it leaves big gouges in the ground. So like the glacier a change can leave a big gouge in our heart. It hurts and is uncomfortable and is stressing us out enormously. It can become absolutely unbearable.
So what do we do with this gradual change in our lives? How do we recognize the gradual change in everything? Sometimes we take action for good or bad. Sometimes we do nothing, even inaction can influence change. I don’t have any good answers. Nothing is as simple as we would like and nothing is as complicated as we think. Life is. Life does. Life will always be. Maybe we have developed some wisdom over the years we can apply to the gradual rhythm of life. We can’t really see the glacier move. We can only operate with the information we have and try our best. The phrase "time marches on" is so true, we can't stop the clock; we can't go back and gently nudge our past selves into a more logical action or healthier living. We can only try to deal with what is, and hopefully, use some of that accumulated wisdom we obtained ever so gradually.
You have probably figured out by now where I'm going with this story. Our lives change all the time. Our relationships, health, actions, and even thought processes change gradually over time. But most often it is such a slow process that we don't notice until something demands our attention. Good or bad. For example, a longtime relationship is usually in constant flux, even though we may not see it until something happens and all of the sudden wow, I changed or you changed or we both changed. Hopefully when you or me change it is good for us.
But.... but....sometimes not. When that happens it is time to re-evaluate the relationship. Can it go forward? Can it survive a supposedly sudden change? In retrospect it was really a change that evolved over time. Like a glacier, we don't notice it moving, but it does. We notice when it leaves big gouges in the ground. So like the glacier a change can leave a big gouge in our heart. It hurts and is uncomfortable and is stressing us out enormously. It can become absolutely unbearable.
So what do we do with this gradual change in our lives? How do we recognize the gradual change in everything? Sometimes we take action for good or bad. Sometimes we do nothing, even inaction can influence change. I don’t have any good answers. Nothing is as simple as we would like and nothing is as complicated as we think. Life is. Life does. Life will always be. Maybe we have developed some wisdom over the years we can apply to the gradual rhythm of life. We can’t really see the glacier move. We can only operate with the information we have and try our best. The phrase "time marches on" is so true, we can't stop the clock; we can't go back and gently nudge our past selves into a more logical action or healthier living. We can only try to deal with what is, and hopefully, use some of that accumulated wisdom we obtained ever so gradually.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Bras for a Cause!
Last night I helped out my friends at Gildas Club at the fundraising event Bras for a Cause. I had a great time helping to make sure all the souvenir and raffle people had enough change and that their aprons didn't get too stuffed with money. What a problem to have!
I just walked around all night collecting money and observing people. I love people watching. I knew there were a lot of tickets sold, but I didn't realize how many people would actually show up. Are there so many people in our community touched by cancer or with loved ones or friends with cancer that they are willing to contribute to yet another cause? And I observed that most people attending seemed happy and most were interested in contributing even more to our club. That made me feel good.
It was quite crowded with all sorts of people. Some dressed to the hilt, some more casual. A good mixture of young and old. Although there did seem to be a lot of younger women there, I understand why. There are way too many young women that get breast cancer. Now, I am considered young to have gotten prostate cancer, but a person in their twenties or thirties should not have to deal with this.
So it was an evening of mixed emotions. I felt so much for Kevin, the husband of Shannon who died this past April. He seems so strong and confident, I admire him. It was a joy to watch the breast cancer survivors parading onto the stage confident and sure that they were participating in a great event that encompassed all survivors of all types of cancer. Standing up and showing all that cancer is not the end, but teaches us to enjoy the life we do have, and fully embrace the time we have in this world. My friend Nancy. The leader of the pack, so to say. Her energy, organization, and pure will to make sure this night succeeded is an inspiration to me.
There is one more heroine in this story of joy in life and perseverance. A woman who could not participate like she wanted to. But chose to attend even though it was physically and mentally challenging to do so. A person that cancer is trying to beat down but through her good humor, courage, kind and supportive manner, is facing this round of treatment like a boxer that refuses to go down and rallies to win. No matter how she feels she always greets me with a huge smile and nice hug....my friend and inspiration....Alex.
Bras for a cause has done a lot for me. I have some new friends. I have learned what it means to overcome grief, sorrow and the pain of losing someone close to you and turn that grief into something positive and, yes I will say it, an uplifting event. And even though I helped in a very small way, my help was appreciated. And it is so nice to be thought of. I will do it again next year, I already have ideas and can't wait for the event that has so helped Gildas Club and it's members. Maybe we can add boxers for a cause. I will so be there.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
What do you expect?
What do you expect? From friends, family, the government, the world, God? Should we expect anything at all? Are we owed something? Is what we do and how we conduct our lives reason to have the expectation of getting something in return? What do others expect from us? Do I expect to get any answers to all these questions? That I can answer. No I don't. But part of being a thinking feeling person is asking questions that have no clear cut answers. But it is always interesting to discuss and even argue about these questions.
I have been hearing a lot lately about how I should have no expectations in my relationship with my family, friends, strangers, God. Ok this is what I don't get. If you have no expectations then how do we feel, how do we love, how are we a caring friend? It seems to me that expectation is tied up with our feelings toward everyone. With no expectations there is only logic and thought. That sounds good, we have found a way to insulate ourselves against hurt and disappointments. But without the need to hear a loved ones voice at a critical time. or see a friend when we need that closeness and confidant, we become closed off and distant. We have some expectation that people will be there for us at least some of the time. For example, I have a friend, but what kind of friend always puts you off and never has time to meet. I expect something from all my friends, that is to at least try to maintain the connection, otherwise why be friends.
Maybe we have no expectations for people or events in our life that we really don't care that much about. That is easy. What's difficult is having little or no expectations for someone you care about. It hurts when they don't meet your expectations. After a relationship, either friend or more, is established there are mutual expectations, and that is what makes a relationship strong. When two people share common expectations the relationship progresses from you or me to the most prized aspect of human interaction, "we". At that point the expectations evolve into "it just happens". Effortless and beautiful.
Sometimes a relationship will devolve into too many unreasonable expectations. Its a shame. Even loving relationships can suffer that fate. Then it's up to those involved to re-evaluate those expectations and try to replace those that don't work with new ones that can rekindle the "we".
So what have I learned so far in this emotional journey through life? I am trying to see things from another's point of view, people can't always be there when I want and do and behave as I want. Maybe I should lower my expectations to coincide with reality. I think I would be happier doing so. Ill try. And that is a positive step forward.
I have been hearing a lot lately about how I should have no expectations in my relationship with my family, friends, strangers, God. Ok this is what I don't get. If you have no expectations then how do we feel, how do we love, how are we a caring friend? It seems to me that expectation is tied up with our feelings toward everyone. With no expectations there is only logic and thought. That sounds good, we have found a way to insulate ourselves against hurt and disappointments. But without the need to hear a loved ones voice at a critical time. or see a friend when we need that closeness and confidant, we become closed off and distant. We have some expectation that people will be there for us at least some of the time. For example, I have a friend, but what kind of friend always puts you off and never has time to meet. I expect something from all my friends, that is to at least try to maintain the connection, otherwise why be friends.
Maybe we have no expectations for people or events in our life that we really don't care that much about. That is easy. What's difficult is having little or no expectations for someone you care about. It hurts when they don't meet your expectations. After a relationship, either friend or more, is established there are mutual expectations, and that is what makes a relationship strong. When two people share common expectations the relationship progresses from you or me to the most prized aspect of human interaction, "we". At that point the expectations evolve into "it just happens". Effortless and beautiful.
Sometimes a relationship will devolve into too many unreasonable expectations. Its a shame. Even loving relationships can suffer that fate. Then it's up to those involved to re-evaluate those expectations and try to replace those that don't work with new ones that can rekindle the "we".
So what have I learned so far in this emotional journey through life? I am trying to see things from another's point of view, people can't always be there when I want and do and behave as I want. Maybe I should lower my expectations to coincide with reality. I think I would be happier doing so. Ill try. And that is a positive step forward.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Hug someone, it will help you feel great
As I start my journey learning about massage therapy, I have realized that human touch is an amazingly powerful tool of healing that we are in danger of losing. I think we have lost a bit of the meaning and helpfulness of the the human touch. It seems to me that today's society is encouraging more electronic socialization and less face to face contact and thus less touching between family and friends.
There are two other things that I think are contributing to less touching. The first is that we live in such a litigious society. Professional people such as teachers, especially males, are afraid to give a crying child a pat on the shoulder or a hug for fear of it being perceived as something perverted. To me it is a shame that a child in need of comfort is denied the very thing that helps so much, a simple touch of the hand or a little hug. God, people are so uptight these days. Yes, there are some real sick people out there, but the majority would never touch A child inappropriately. Does that mean we should all stop?
Second, with adults especially between the sexes, there is the thought that if a man and woman touch it has to be sexual. Well from my point of view it isn't. I have gotten very comfortable giving hugs to my friends both male and female. It is a simple thing that can be so reassuring especially in a support group. It is a wonderful feeling to hug a friend and feel their warmth and caring. Or a simple touch of the hand conveys the true emotion and support of the other person.
The simplicity of a hug reaffirms our humanity. We are social beings and to deny that is to deny our history and possibly the quality of life in the future. We need each other, we crave human contact. We need the support of others and to show our own caring to them. We must do what our instincts tell us and that is to hug someone, it will help you, and them, feel great.
There are two other things that I think are contributing to less touching. The first is that we live in such a litigious society. Professional people such as teachers, especially males, are afraid to give a crying child a pat on the shoulder or a hug for fear of it being perceived as something perverted. To me it is a shame that a child in need of comfort is denied the very thing that helps so much, a simple touch of the hand or a little hug. God, people are so uptight these days. Yes, there are some real sick people out there, but the majority would never touch A child inappropriately. Does that mean we should all stop?
Second, with adults especially between the sexes, there is the thought that if a man and woman touch it has to be sexual. Well from my point of view it isn't. I have gotten very comfortable giving hugs to my friends both male and female. It is a simple thing that can be so reassuring especially in a support group. It is a wonderful feeling to hug a friend and feel their warmth and caring. Or a simple touch of the hand conveys the true emotion and support of the other person.
The simplicity of a hug reaffirms our humanity. We are social beings and to deny that is to deny our history and possibly the quality of life in the future. We need each other, we crave human contact. We need the support of others and to show our own caring to them. We must do what our instincts tell us and that is to hug someone, it will help you, and them, feel great.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Life with them gone
Part of what made the last few months bearable and helped me recuperate from prostate cancer surgery was having my youngest son home from college for the summer. He has helped me so much and I don't think he even realizes this fact. I am fortunate that I have a great relationship with both my boys. But since my oldest is just about totally out of the house, I depend more on my youngest to get my "son" fix.
So what has he done for me? He shows me what living life is all about. He has a great passion for his music and that is contagious to me. It reminds me of my youth when music ment so much to me. He is doing it. He is a music major at CMU. He loves it. He enjoys his friends and loves to have a good time, but hardly ever over does it. He is also quite level headed, especially for a person only 19 years old. This gives him the balance that is so needed in everyones life. (I am thinking about the movie "eat pray love") I recognize this as so important because my life is extremely out of balance right now. He loves his mother. Like every good boy should. It is nice to see that he respects her. I guess the one thing that I have taught him, is to respect women, of any age. I know he does, his relationship with is mother shows me that.
We just drove him up to school this past Saturday and he was overjoyed to be going back and once again the selfish man in me wished he could stay, but the good father in me knows it is right for him to want to be away at school. It is OK. Both my sons are out of the house and even my youngest may not stay here next summer.
A good thing though is that he still needs me. We talk and text and have meaningful conversations about what is going on in his life and occasionally he will ask me for advice. All I want is for him to be happy and be a good caring man.
Life with them gone is tough on me sometimes, but I know it is right and I am happy my boys are turning out well. We have had our ups and downs while they were growing up. Being a parent is difficult at times, but I have been rewarded by seeing my sons grow into men I am proud to know.
So what has he done for me? He shows me what living life is all about. He has a great passion for his music and that is contagious to me. It reminds me of my youth when music ment so much to me. He is doing it. He is a music major at CMU. He loves it. He enjoys his friends and loves to have a good time, but hardly ever over does it. He is also quite level headed, especially for a person only 19 years old. This gives him the balance that is so needed in everyones life. (I am thinking about the movie "eat pray love") I recognize this as so important because my life is extremely out of balance right now. He loves his mother. Like every good boy should. It is nice to see that he respects her. I guess the one thing that I have taught him, is to respect women, of any age. I know he does, his relationship with is mother shows me that.
We just drove him up to school this past Saturday and he was overjoyed to be going back and once again the selfish man in me wished he could stay, but the good father in me knows it is right for him to want to be away at school. It is OK. Both my sons are out of the house and even my youngest may not stay here next summer.
A good thing though is that he still needs me. We talk and text and have meaningful conversations about what is going on in his life and occasionally he will ask me for advice. All I want is for him to be happy and be a good caring man.
Life with them gone is tough on me sometimes, but I know it is right and I am happy my boys are turning out well. We have had our ups and downs while they were growing up. Being a parent is difficult at times, but I have been rewarded by seeing my sons grow into men I am proud to know.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Decisions, Decisions
I hate the indecisions in my life. Now don't worry, I'm not getting depressed again. It's just that I am getting tired of not knowing what I want to do with my life. Getting tired! Wow, that is an understatement. When you go through a year plus of not knowing what to do, it is a kind of sickness. In one respect it is like cancer. It totally drains your mind and body of energy and well being. And as such we can fight it like cancer, with prayer, positive thoughts, help from friends and some effective drugs. But ultimately it comes down to....make a fuckin decision! Stop being such a wimp and grow a pair. No one can tell me that and have it mean anything. I have to realize that myself. I love all my friends, but I have to make my own decisions. Me alone. And that is a very good thing.
Being your own best friend. That is an important lesson to learn. There are some things in life that you just have to do yourself. Like Making your own decisions about certain things. Start doing this and you become a better person with more strength and confidence. You become a better spouse, or significant other, and friend. You gain confidence to do what you have to. You are no longer a person you don't like.
I guess the important thing in life is to keep trying to improve. Not to stagnate, keep moving toward your goals. Don't let people dictate your feelings. You are the only one that can influence your feelings.
When I first started my support group at Gildas Club, I was told that I was am emotional infant. Cancer resets your emotions to a new starting point. you grow and develop from there. Now I realize why I was in such awe of some of my younger friends, they were light years ahead of me in dealing with and overcoming the mental devastation of cancer. But I'm just beginning to catch up. I was an infant , then a toddler, falling down a lot and not knowing much of anything. Now I'm an adolescent full of questions and exploring who I've become and will become as an adult. I still have a ways to go, but I am progressing. It is my decision.
Being your own best friend. That is an important lesson to learn. There are some things in life that you just have to do yourself. Like Making your own decisions about certain things. Start doing this and you become a better person with more strength and confidence. You become a better spouse, or significant other, and friend. You gain confidence to do what you have to. You are no longer a person you don't like.
I guess the important thing in life is to keep trying to improve. Not to stagnate, keep moving toward your goals. Don't let people dictate your feelings. You are the only one that can influence your feelings.
When I first started my support group at Gildas Club, I was told that I was am emotional infant. Cancer resets your emotions to a new starting point. you grow and develop from there. Now I realize why I was in such awe of some of my younger friends, they were light years ahead of me in dealing with and overcoming the mental devastation of cancer. But I'm just beginning to catch up. I was an infant , then a toddler, falling down a lot and not knowing much of anything. Now I'm an adolescent full of questions and exploring who I've become and will become as an adult. I still have a ways to go, but I am progressing. It is my decision.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Get A Life
This is a particularly unusual weekend for me. I have been alone since
Thursday, my wife is out of town enjoying her friends up north. My son is here,
which is great, so I should rephrase.....I am sans peers this weekend. I have
tried to spend some time with friends which has not worked out. I understand
that friends have other plans and can't always be there for me, and that is OK.
I did have dinner last night with some people from my congregation, but right
now they are more aquaintances then friends I can talk to about anything. But
it is possible they will be. I did have a good time.
So, I'm alone on Friday night. What to do? I need to minimize my anxiety about
returning to work on Monday. Major, big time anxiety. So instead of going home
and vegging out in front of the tv, feeling depressed and sorry for myself, as the old me would have, I went to a club and listened to music and had some beers. (don't worry I stopped drinking well before I drove home). I had a good time, by myself. Wow, by myself is not a bad thing. I wasn't lonely, I wasn't anxious, I just lived in the moment and enjoyed the atmosphere. I realized I am going to be OK no matter what happens.
My job, my friends, my personal life, all will work out the way it should. In
the past I have thought that I really didn't have much of a life, that I was
always a reflection of the people close to me. Well, I am my own person, I
don't need anyone but myself, to feel good about myself. I love my family and
my friends, and can't live without them. But, I also can't live without me
being and accepting me. Which I think is one of the keys to being a good,
caring and understanding person. We need to be all of that to ourselves too.
We resist change sometimes, but over the last few months, through my cancer,
recovery, survival, depression and anxiety I have changed. I hope and pray that
I'm changing for the better. Change can be good even if it is brought on by
something bad. But I think I am changing to take more steps toward getting a
life. A good life, filled with what is important. Getting a life is not just
for me, it is for the people I love and care about so much. And living to give
is primary in my quest to get a life.
Thursday, my wife is out of town enjoying her friends up north. My son is here,
which is great, so I should rephrase.....I am sans peers this weekend. I have
tried to spend some time with friends which has not worked out. I understand
that friends have other plans and can't always be there for me, and that is OK.
I did have dinner last night with some people from my congregation, but right
now they are more aquaintances then friends I can talk to about anything. But
it is possible they will be. I did have a good time.
So, I'm alone on Friday night. What to do? I need to minimize my anxiety about
returning to work on Monday. Major, big time anxiety. So instead of going home
and vegging out in front of the tv, feeling depressed and sorry for myself, as the old me would have, I went to a club and listened to music and had some beers. (don't worry I stopped drinking well before I drove home). I had a good time, by myself. Wow, by myself is not a bad thing. I wasn't lonely, I wasn't anxious, I just lived in the moment and enjoyed the atmosphere. I realized I am going to be OK no matter what happens.
My job, my friends, my personal life, all will work out the way it should. In
the past I have thought that I really didn't have much of a life, that I was
always a reflection of the people close to me. Well, I am my own person, I
don't need anyone but myself, to feel good about myself. I love my family and
my friends, and can't live without them. But, I also can't live without me
being and accepting me. Which I think is one of the keys to being a good,
caring and understanding person. We need to be all of that to ourselves too.
We resist change sometimes, but over the last few months, through my cancer,
recovery, survival, depression and anxiety I have changed. I hope and pray that
I'm changing for the better. Change can be good even if it is brought on by
something bad. But I think I am changing to take more steps toward getting a
life. A good life, filled with what is important. Getting a life is not just
for me, it is for the people I love and care about so much. And living to give
is primary in my quest to get a life.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Balancing Act
How do we keep our lives in balance? What do we do to get back in balance when something knocks us off that tightrope? I think I have found a couple of things that can get me back in balance. Simplicity and no expectations.
I went with my family to a friends cottage in Canada on the southern shore of Lake Huron. We were there for 2 days. Even though the time was short, I had
the most wonderful time. It was a new concept for me. No plans, no technology and no expectations. We got there on Sunday afternoon. We had lunch and then
went to the beach, which you could see from the house. Our friends have daughters in their twenties and they also have cousins and their friends in their twenties. I was sitting and talking with my friend when the cousins invited me to play baseball on the beach. Which I did. We had a great time. I so enjoyed playing with the young people. The energy and pure pleasure of just "doing whatever" is a great motivator for me to get off my ass and live life. Later we had dinner and after I played poker with some of the cousins. I didn't win but I didn't care, again just a lot of fun.
The next day we went to a small town nearby and went window shopping. It
started raining, but did that stop us from enjoying ourselves? Hell no. We
just hung out in various stores and got wet. So what. It rained all day, so we didn't go to the beach and we didn't have a campfire, so instead we played cards and board games and talked late into the night. The game called Balderdash is hilarious, ask me about it. It's simple and low tech.
The next morning was still cloudy but the rain had stopped and we sat on the
beach for a while then said our goodbyes. I wanted to stay, I didn't want this
most pleasurable time to end. But it is OK. I learned something about myself.
I don't need anything more than another human being's company to have a good
time. I don't need to spend a lot of money to measure entertainment. I don't
need technology to have fun.
The balance is slowly returning to my life. Or did I really ever have it? All
I do know is simple living with no expectations of people or events helps me
realize what was missing in my life. I make myself crazy with complexities and
expectations. It is time to stop, and like the seagull in the picture, get myself balanced.
Friday, August 6, 2010
The amazing people of Gilda's Club
The place that I go to for mental rest. The place that I go to for battery recharging. The place I go to just to be me and to let my hair down. And if my friends don’t have hair (not by choice) then I am supporting them that much more. Gilda’s Club are people that welcome me with no judgments, no preconceived notions, no pressure, no stress, and no criticisms. The friends I have made there are true friends, providing me with support and caring just because I provide them with the same. No quid pro quo just unabashed caring and emotional support. We are all members of the “club” and as such share a bond that is deeper and more real than most. I know I get emotional over the good and bad in my life. And if singing (or writing, you don’t want to hear me sing) the praises of a great place with great people is being too emotional….then I am guilty. I have received so much more than I have given. But I will give more. I am just starting.
There is more to this than just the members. There are some great caring people that are part of the staff of Gilda’s Club. I have not met everyone, but if the ones I have met are any example of the quality of person that is part of the staff, I can’t wait to meet them all. And yet I am worried about what will happen in the future. I see the clubhouse is only open four days a week; I would love to see it open on the weekends, because when I go back to work I am afraid I won’t be able to go there as much as I do now. I don’t know the reason for this but I can only express my desire to see it open more. This is not a criticism, just one member’s observation.
When I first got my diagnosis back in February, I had no idea what to do, who to turn to for advice or even what doctor to go to. I stumbled into Gilda’s Club in early March, to a new members meeting. As soon as I walked in I knew I was in “the” place for me. I was welcomed and the person I talked to, talked to me for a few minutes, not an interview and a “sales pitch” for the organization, but a real good genuine conversation about what Gilda’s Club is and what I might get out of it as a member. I was given a tour of the entire house and told the history of how Gilda’s Club was formed. It was my decision to join right away. One, I had nothing to lose (the pragmatic part of me), but I also felt so at home there that it really was an easy decision. The next week I attended my first group meeting. I walked into the room and sat down and immediately felt at ease. I sensed such a good vibe and a warm feeling of acceptance. I get that every time I walk in, no matter what is happening with the other members (and sometimes it can be really bad), no matter how bad someone feels for themselves, I always get a vibe of support. It is the most amazing thing to get emotional support from someone who is not feeling well. To me it is the epitome of giving. Actually I have run out of words praising the members and staff of Gilda’s Club. I will end by saying that it has been an enormous factor in helping me deal with my cancer and the aftermath of surgery and the emotional turmoil that follows both. Without Gilda’s Club, I would not be anywhere near ready to go back to work, to go back to dealing with reality and to go back to living. I know that with my friends help I will get there. Thank you all.
There is more to this than just the members. There are some great caring people that are part of the staff of Gilda’s Club. I have not met everyone, but if the ones I have met are any example of the quality of person that is part of the staff, I can’t wait to meet them all. And yet I am worried about what will happen in the future. I see the clubhouse is only open four days a week; I would love to see it open on the weekends, because when I go back to work I am afraid I won’t be able to go there as much as I do now. I don’t know the reason for this but I can only express my desire to see it open more. This is not a criticism, just one member’s observation.
When I first got my diagnosis back in February, I had no idea what to do, who to turn to for advice or even what doctor to go to. I stumbled into Gilda’s Club in early March, to a new members meeting. As soon as I walked in I knew I was in “the” place for me. I was welcomed and the person I talked to, talked to me for a few minutes, not an interview and a “sales pitch” for the organization, but a real good genuine conversation about what Gilda’s Club is and what I might get out of it as a member. I was given a tour of the entire house and told the history of how Gilda’s Club was formed. It was my decision to join right away. One, I had nothing to lose (the pragmatic part of me), but I also felt so at home there that it really was an easy decision. The next week I attended my first group meeting. I walked into the room and sat down and immediately felt at ease. I sensed such a good vibe and a warm feeling of acceptance. I get that every time I walk in, no matter what is happening with the other members (and sometimes it can be really bad), no matter how bad someone feels for themselves, I always get a vibe of support. It is the most amazing thing to get emotional support from someone who is not feeling well. To me it is the epitome of giving. Actually I have run out of words praising the members and staff of Gilda’s Club. I will end by saying that it has been an enormous factor in helping me deal with my cancer and the aftermath of surgery and the emotional turmoil that follows both. Without Gilda’s Club, I would not be anywhere near ready to go back to work, to go back to dealing with reality and to go back to living. I know that with my friends help I will get there. Thank you all.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
My Friend
I have a friend who has helped me a lot through my time with cancer and after my surgery. He went through the same diagnosis as me, same doctor and same surgery. All a year earlier then me. He is a bit younger. So don't let anyone tell you prostate cancer is something only older men get.
My friend talked to me about the surgery, supported me before and after. Gave me words of encouragement and hope. I walked with him in the Relay for Life. We walked arm in arm to the finish line, crying. But they were tears of happiness that he was able to help me and I think, I helped him too. He was not afraid of being another emotion all man. Truly a special gift to me.
It's funny how sometimes we can find some of our anchors in life through the most terrible of times. I reconnected with my friend 3 days before my surgery, but it was as if we were always friends. Amazing!
What makes me sad is that he is hurting again. He is mad at his situation and might have lost his faith in people and God. What can I do as a caring friend? I am there to talk whenever he wants. I listen and observe. He is a good man, and has a lot to offer. It is difficult to see someone that can be so up and positive, still find himself angry and bitter. I am afraid his negative emotions will eat him up one day. I tell him what he told me. Live strong, have faith and give to others. Everyone finds their own way in their own time. I hope and pray that my friend will find his way in life that gives him peace of mind. After all, that is all an emotion all man can ever hope for another.
My friend talked to me about the surgery, supported me before and after. Gave me words of encouragement and hope. I walked with him in the Relay for Life. We walked arm in arm to the finish line, crying. But they were tears of happiness that he was able to help me and I think, I helped him too. He was not afraid of being another emotion all man. Truly a special gift to me.
It's funny how sometimes we can find some of our anchors in life through the most terrible of times. I reconnected with my friend 3 days before my surgery, but it was as if we were always friends. Amazing!
What makes me sad is that he is hurting again. He is mad at his situation and might have lost his faith in people and God. What can I do as a caring friend? I am there to talk whenever he wants. I listen and observe. He is a good man, and has a lot to offer. It is difficult to see someone that can be so up and positive, still find himself angry and bitter. I am afraid his negative emotions will eat him up one day. I tell him what he told me. Live strong, have faith and give to others. Everyone finds their own way in their own time. I hope and pray that my friend will find his way in life that gives him peace of mind. After all, that is all an emotion all man can ever hope for another.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Anchor's Away
Have you ever stopped to think about what anchors you to your life? I've been thinking about the things that keep us grounded and on an even keel. (I will try not to go overboard with the nautical analogies).
We all have different life anchors, things, people, events, tasks that we depend on to keep us sane and relatively "normal". By normal I mean normal for ourselves, not what others would consider as normal. When an anchor shifts or detaches itself from us we feel lost and uncertain. Very lost....very uncertain.
Now imagine losing two life anchors or even three. Wow, you feel adrift in a sea of emotion. Wave after wave of various feelings. All cast adrift with nothing to hold them down, nothing to give you a secure or safe feeling. You get depressed and despondent. You feel alone, like no one really cares about you. The real you. No one understands your particular pain.
That is what cancer can do to you. If we have lost personal or work anchors and add cancer into the mix, it generates the most powerful concoction of emotions.
But, but, but! This downward spiral of emotions and negative feelings can be overcome. It takes time and effort. Enormous mental effort.
The solution is to be your own anchor. That is what really is missing, we have to first depend on ourselves for our emotional support. We must become our own best friend. Then with the help of family and friends we start the healing process. Very long, arduous task. Lean on your friends and let them lean on you. Give and take. Trust and support. God helps those who help themselves. But God also helps us through our loved ones and friends.
So what a team we develop. Ourselves, God, family and friends. We get our anchors back. We dock in safe harbor again. We get on with our lives.
(Oh, by the way. I lied about the nautical analogies.)
We all have different life anchors, things, people, events, tasks that we depend on to keep us sane and relatively "normal". By normal I mean normal for ourselves, not what others would consider as normal. When an anchor shifts or detaches itself from us we feel lost and uncertain. Very lost....very uncertain.
Now imagine losing two life anchors or even three. Wow, you feel adrift in a sea of emotion. Wave after wave of various feelings. All cast adrift with nothing to hold them down, nothing to give you a secure or safe feeling. You get depressed and despondent. You feel alone, like no one really cares about you. The real you. No one understands your particular pain.
That is what cancer can do to you. If we have lost personal or work anchors and add cancer into the mix, it generates the most powerful concoction of emotions.
But, but, but! This downward spiral of emotions and negative feelings can be overcome. It takes time and effort. Enormous mental effort.
The solution is to be your own anchor. That is what really is missing, we have to first depend on ourselves for our emotional support. We must become our own best friend. Then with the help of family and friends we start the healing process. Very long, arduous task. Lean on your friends and let them lean on you. Give and take. Trust and support. God helps those who help themselves. But God also helps us through our loved ones and friends.
So what a team we develop. Ourselves, God, family and friends. We get our anchors back. We dock in safe harbor again. We get on with our lives.
(Oh, by the way. I lied about the nautical analogies.)
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Hope to cope
I have a lot of hopes. I just don’t always know what to do with them. I think most of us have the same problem. Hopes are kind of funny in the way they play tricks on your mind. One moment you can be hoping for something and be real clear on how to attain it and then something happens and it all goes down the drain in a swirling whirlpool of despair. Sometimes you have a hope for something and it comes about but not always in the way you foresee or expect. That can be good or bad. The worst way for a hope to come true, is that it happens but starts another chain of events and then you are so caught up in the consequences and changes made to your life that you have lost track of the original hope and you seem lost again. Ah, but when a hope comes true, that can be a type of bliss we experience none too often. Boy, do we keep striving for that hope, especially when it involves a person we feel close to.
We don’t know what the future brings. But even though our hopes sometimes don’t turn out the way we want or seem to need them to, we keep on hoping and dreaming and thinking. Oh yes, do we think. Even if we have someone next to us, we are all alone when we wake up at night and our hopes are pounding on our mental door demanding attention, and then we either stay awake to think, think, think, or we find some method of turning off the thinking just for a few more hours of blessed sleep. How do you turn off your brain in the middle of the night? Can you?
I have no answers or deep philosophical explanations for the human condition and our need to have hopes and our drive to attain them. Why can’t we just be happy with what we have? Part of being a thinking person is to question the needs and motivations of the people we care for. Do their needs jive with my needs? If not how do we reconcile the difference, can we reconcile the differences? We try, by talking, listening, sharing our hopes and dreams. But sometimes our needs are too different. What a shame. All I know right now is that I do need change. I don’t know whether I can get the changes to coincide with my hopes. But I do know that I will keep hoping, I will keep dreaming of a better day, maybe a deliciously better day. My head is smarting from all this thought. I will do my best to cope with my situation. And most of all I cant help but to think, think, think.
We don’t know what the future brings. But even though our hopes sometimes don’t turn out the way we want or seem to need them to, we keep on hoping and dreaming and thinking. Oh yes, do we think. Even if we have someone next to us, we are all alone when we wake up at night and our hopes are pounding on our mental door demanding attention, and then we either stay awake to think, think, think, or we find some method of turning off the thinking just for a few more hours of blessed sleep. How do you turn off your brain in the middle of the night? Can you?
I have no answers or deep philosophical explanations for the human condition and our need to have hopes and our drive to attain them. Why can’t we just be happy with what we have? Part of being a thinking person is to question the needs and motivations of the people we care for. Do their needs jive with my needs? If not how do we reconcile the difference, can we reconcile the differences? We try, by talking, listening, sharing our hopes and dreams. But sometimes our needs are too different. What a shame. All I know right now is that I do need change. I don’t know whether I can get the changes to coincide with my hopes. But I do know that I will keep hoping, I will keep dreaming of a better day, maybe a deliciously better day. My head is smarting from all this thought. I will do my best to cope with my situation. And most of all I cant help but to think, think, think.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Faith in others
Having faith in no one, carries a special kind of security. But at what price this security? Can a person have a life without closeness, without caring, without love? Faith in others can be painful and emotional and upsetting, but that is part of what makes us human. We all have and ups and downs, a plus and minus, joy and pain. A yin and yang, the balance. It is In our nature to seek out people with whom we connect. Humans are social animals, to deny ourselves the faith that others can be there for us, is to deny our souls the chance to soar.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Cancer (part one - the diagnosis)
Cancer. I was diagnosed with prostate cancer in February 2010. I was seeing a urologist (bad doctor) for....you know....male problems. I had a biopsy done because my PSA risen very quickly. He called me and left a message on voice mail on a Friday at 5PM. Saying the biopsy results are in and to call him Monday afternoon. Have a nice weekend. Needless to say I had a terrible weekend. What an asshole (getting worse Dr). I tried to talk to him over the weekend to no avail. He left me hanging and I was so pissed off. No dr should ever do that to a potential cancer patient. Aaaargh. On Monday I called his office and demanded to speak to him, he finally called me at 11AM. Told me I had cancer. He immediately said he should do surgery right away. We made an appointment for the following Friday for further consultation. After I hung up with him. I flew into such a rage. I'm at work, and I'm throwing things and kicking my chair and if the walls weren't cinder block I would have put my fist through it. Mad at the dr, mad at God, mad at my parents (genetics), mad at myself and mad at cancer. WHY ME!!!!!! I told my boss my diagnosis and that I have no idea what to do, but I knew I couldn't concentrate on my job, so I took the rest of the day off. Boss was not pleased with me. First of many dissapointments. Too bad.
Friday. Going to see the urologist. Snowing, long drive. We left the house early. I'm about 15 mins away from dr's office. I call to notify him that I'm running late because of the snow and slow going on the roads. Receptionist tells me we have to reschedule the appointment because the dr has to leave. I'm only going to be a few mins late. FOR CANCER CONSULTATION. Oh my God, he can't wait for us. Was he only planning a 15 min consult about the worse thing to ever happen to me??? We get to the office and of course he had left. We were only 10 mins late. Utter absolute rage directed at him but we are yelling at his people. We calm down and ask for all my medical records and appologize to his staff, saying it's not their fault he is such an asshole (the worse dr in the world).
Friday. Going to see the urologist. Snowing, long drive. We left the house early. I'm about 15 mins away from dr's office. I call to notify him that I'm running late because of the snow and slow going on the roads. Receptionist tells me we have to reschedule the appointment because the dr has to leave. I'm only going to be a few mins late. FOR CANCER CONSULTATION. Oh my God, he can't wait for us. Was he only planning a 15 min consult about the worse thing to ever happen to me??? We get to the office and of course he had left. We were only 10 mins late. Utter absolute rage directed at him but we are yelling at his people. We calm down and ask for all my medical records and appologize to his staff, saying it's not their fault he is such an asshole (the worse dr in the world).
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Fathers and sons
Emotion. My first memory of indoctrination into the male macho mindset was when I was 8. I had talked back to my father and he hauled off and hit me in my face. I cried because it hurt (physically....emotionally). And he said to me "don't be a baby, boys don't cry". Well, he had a temper, and that was the first of only two times he hit me. He died when I was 10. I cried and hurt so much more, then when he hit me. My sister told me it is ok for boys to cry. Especially when we loose someone so close to us. I loved my father unconditionally. He abandoned me. It still hurts. And I still cry. And you know what, fuck macho, I'm an emotion all man. I cry like a girl, I feel like a girl, I have empathy like a girl, and I care like a girl. This is good, and I feel OK. Men should not be afraid to be emotional, nurturing and caring. If we all did this, the world would be a better place. At least our little part of it. I will find my brothers and sisters who feel the same.....the potential is boundless. And I still cry for the lost relationship with my dad.
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