Death

It been a while and I thought it might be appropriate, at the end of the year to talk about death.  There are some ends that have happened  or will soon. First, is my friend Deb.  She is the first of my cancer friends to die.  First person that is close to me since my mother in 1996.  Also of cancer.  I know it is inevitable that others will.  As is said so often, death is a part of life.  It relieves our pain and starts us toward a new life.  It leaves the ones close to us behind.  So we grieve, I think more for ourselves being left without that spouse or friend,  or advisor.  After a while the deep pain we feel subsides and we think a little less often about them, but their spirit remains alive in us.  And it is that essence that we carry with us from life to life.  Ever feel like a person you just met is familiar?  That feeling is the spirit of our past spouses,  parents, children or friends.  It is  a constant cycle of spirit with no beginning and no end.  Maybe when we shed all Karma we can fade into the infinity of God universal.  
But until that happens we cope as best we can with life.  We try to evolve into better people and help where we can.  Guided by the spirit of those who are not physically with us.  I know that as I get older and people I know die, I will be finding spirits from my past,and new spirits, to guide me in the future as I will for them.  So, I know that we might feel left behind by those who die, but it is only temporary. We have a constant through all of this.  That constant is the faith that God/universe is always with us. We part a bit  from God as living beings some of us trying to rejoin in life.  Some can, most don't even think about it. It is a personal journey, God is unique for each of us.
I see the suffering and pain (sometimes drawn out way to long) that some go through. That part I have no explanation for.  That part is the worse for all experiencing it. But, what comforts me is that the suffering does end.  At that point we all accept the inevitable.  Death is not the finale.  It is part of that infinite cycle.  It is a new beginning.

Epitaph

This is a prayer I would like to share with you in honor of my friend Deb, who passed away on December 10th from ovarian cancer. I know she would like it.

Epitaph

When I die
Give what’s left of me away
To children
And old men who wait to die
And if you need to cry
Cry for your brother
Walking the street beside you.
And when you need me,
Put your arms
Around anyone
And give them
What you need to give to me.
I want to leave you something,
Something better
Than words
Or sounds.
Look for me
In the people
I’ve known
Or loved,
And if you cannot give me away,
At least let me live on in your eyes
And not in your mind.
You can love me most
By letting hands touch hands,
By letting bodies touch bodies,
And by letting go
Of children
Who need to be free.
Love doesn’t die,
People do.
So, when all that’s left of me
Is love,
Give me away.

Death in not the end, it is the beginning of.......

On the Edge of the Abyss

Yeah, this is going to be a little on the dark side.  Ya know what....I don't care.  Feelings are feelings and sometimes they get so loud in the head that if I don't acknowledge them, they might come flooding out my ears.  

I've had this image in my head for a while now.  It's an image of walking up to the edge of a bottomless pit, looking over the lip and staring into the black nothingness of infinity.  So I'm trying to figure out what drives us to that edge.  What the abyss represents and why I can't seem to either jump across safely or dive head first into the comforting void.  I'm just frozen there staring.  Doing nothing but thinking.  Taking no action.  

So this is what I think might be happening.  I am going through a lot of changes and re evaluation of everything in my life.  So the pit represents the negative outcomes of possible actions.  Naturally, the idea of the other side shows the safety of positive decisions and actions.  Right now I'm frozen with indecision at the edge.  I think about saying to myself, fuck it all and dive in and take the easy route.  After all falling forever takes no effort, just a little push off the edge and down you go into oblivion.  But, jumping to the other side, making positive decisions and actions takes effort and will power, and has more tangible rewards in the long run.  It is easy for an observer to give their advice on your actions.  But they should only give unbiased honest opinions.  That is what I do with my friends, straightforward observation,  opinion and advice.  I see through my eyes of course, but the advice is given with caring and concern for someone that is important to me.  I expect the same in return.  But ultimately we alone make our life decisions.  We decide to jump in or jump across.  

Now here is the part of this image that blows my mind if I think too much.  If we jump in we think we are going into a pit of nothingness, but it really leads to a long fall that ends up landing on the edge of another pit, for another decision.  And if we jump across the pit we walk a while only to come upon another.  
We live with the consequences of our decisions and actions.  And some of our actions can and do effect our future lives.  I think that is why I see an unending line of pits.  The individual one is not infinity.  Our decision, positive or negative, will lead us on to further decisions. But we must make a decision, because if we take no action and just teeter on the edge we run the risk of sinking into the soft dirt of the edge and not ever moving again.  That inaction is worse than the abyss, that inaction is really the edge of insanity.

Oh, God

I have never quoted an author in my blog before, but I feel compelled to share what I have read recently because of the impact a few words from a book have had on me. The book is Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. You might have seen the movie. The movie is very good, but the book is amazing. How one person can be so insightful into the human condition and offer…well offer that there is hope in our lives, that even though we might be going through depression, loneliness and a lot of changes, there is a constant through it all.

Elizabeth is in Rome on an expedition of self exploration and is sitting in her apartment one night, feeling very depressed and lonely. She had been taking an anti-depressant but has stopped. She is feeling very alone. So she has starts a conversation with God, with whom she admits she sometimes doesn’t believe in. Then she writes in her journal, a revelation, “Who are you talking to, then?” She goes on to write:

“I’m here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. If you need the medication again, go ahead and take it—I will love you through that, as well. If you don’t need the medication, I will love you, too. There’s nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.”

Later in that chapter she writes about finding herself to be her own best friend. I think it is important for us to realize that you have to be your own best friend no matter what, because when everyone else is gone from the room, you are left with yourself. Depression and loneliness make lousy friends and don’t have your best interest at heart. So when we discover ourselves to be our own best friend we let in the possibility that God does exist and that we talk to God when we are talking to ourselves. Maybe wise words of encouragement don’t always have to come from the bible or learned scholars. Maybe wisdom is found in some unlikely places, like the words in a book by a woman we don’t even know yet seems to be able to look into our souls and find some truth. We don’t need to travel the world to find our truths, we just need to travel into our heart, and there, if we pay attention and listen, we can find the voice of God.

Gradualness (huh?)

I was cleaning yesterday and started vacuuming my bedroom carpet. I've been a little neglectful of this part of housework for a while. Lotsa dog hair. I started vacuuming and I noticed it wasn't sucking up a whole lot. So I opened it up and rediscovered that there is a filter that needs to be cleaned. The note that tells you to clean the filter every six months was covered with dust. So I wiped it off and realized that one, I hadn't seen that note for years and two, holy shit the filter had literally five inches of dog hair and compressed dust caked over it so you wouldn't know that the filter was even there. Of course you wouldn't know that it was there because the note telling you about the filter was covered in dust. So I cleaned the filter and put it back in, turned on the machine and it worked great. Then it hit me. I realized that over a period of time the machine was sucking up dust less and less efficiently, but the change was so gradual I didn't notice for a long time. I did notice when it got real bad, and that is when I took action to try to figure out why.

You have probably figured out by now where I'm going with this story. Our lives change all the time. Our relationships, health, actions, and even thought processes change gradually over time. But most often it is such a slow process that we don't notice until something demands our attention. Good or bad. For example, a longtime relationship is usually in constant flux, even though we may not see it until something happens and all of the sudden wow, I changed or you changed or we both changed. Hopefully when you or me change it is good for us.
But.... but....sometimes not. When that happens it is time to re-evaluate the relationship. Can it go forward? Can it survive a supposedly sudden change? In retrospect it was really a change that evolved over time. Like a glacier, we don't notice it moving, but it does. We notice when it leaves big gouges in the ground. So like the glacier a change can leave a big gouge in our heart. It hurts and is uncomfortable and is stressing us out enormously. It can become absolutely unbearable.

So what do we do with this gradual change in our lives? How do we recognize the gradual change in everything? Sometimes we take action for good or bad. Sometimes we do nothing, even inaction can influence change. I don’t have any good answers. Nothing is as simple as we would like and nothing is as complicated as we think. Life is. Life does. Life will always be. Maybe we have developed some wisdom over the years we can apply to the gradual rhythm of life. We can’t really see the glacier move. We can only operate with the information we have and try our best. The phrase "time marches on" is so true, we can't stop the clock; we can't go back and gently nudge our past selves into a more logical action or healthier living. We can only try to deal with what is, and hopefully, use some of that accumulated wisdom we obtained ever so gradually.

Bras for a Cause!

Last night I helped out my friends at Gildas Club at the fundraising event Bras for a Cause.  I had a great time helping to make sure all the souvenir and raffle people had enough change and that their aprons didn't get too stuffed with money.  What a problem to have!  

I just walked around all night collecting money and observing people.  I love people watching.  I knew there were a lot of tickets sold, but I didn't realize how many people would actually show up. Are there so many people in our community touched by cancer or with loved ones or friends with cancer that they are willing to contribute to yet another cause?  And I observed that most people attending  seemed happy and most were interested in contributing even more to our club.  That made me feel good.  

It was quite crowded with all sorts of people.  Some dressed to the hilt, some more casual. A good mixture of young and old. Although there did seem to be a lot of younger women there,  I understand why.  There are way too many young women that get breast cancer.  Now, I am considered young to have gotten prostate cancer, but a person in their twenties or thirties should not have to deal with this. 

So it was an evening of mixed emotions. I felt so much for Kevin, the husband of Shannon who died this past April.  He seems so strong and confident, I admire him.  It was a joy to watch the breast cancer survivors parading onto the stage confident and sure that they were participating in a great event that encompassed all survivors of all types of cancer.  Standing up and showing all that cancer is not the end, but teaches us to enjoy the life we do have,  and fully embrace the time we have in this world.  My friend Nancy.  The leader of the pack, so to say.  Her energy, organization, and pure will to make sure this night succeeded is an inspiration to me.  
There is one more heroine in this story of joy in life and perseverance.  A woman who could not participate like she wanted to.  But chose to attend even though it was physically and mentally challenging to do so.  A person that cancer is trying to beat down but through her good humor, courage, kind and supportive manner, is facing this round of treatment like a boxer that refuses to go down and rallies to win.  No matter how she feels she always greets me with a huge smile and nice hug....my friend and inspiration....Alex.

Bras for a cause has done a lot for me.  I have some new friends. I have learned  what it means to overcome grief, sorrow and the pain of losing someone close to you and turn that grief into something positive and, yes I will say it, an uplifting event. And even though I helped in a very small way, my help was appreciated. And it is so nice to be thought of.  I will do it again next year, I already have ideas and can't wait for the event that has so helped Gildas Club and it's members.  Maybe we can add boxers for a cause.  I will so be there.

What do you expect?

What do you expect? From friends, family, the government, the world, God? Should we expect anything at all? Are we owed something? Is what we do and how we conduct our lives reason to have the expectation of getting something in return? What do others expect from us? Do I expect to get any answers to all these questions? That I can answer. No I don't. But part of being a thinking feeling person is asking questions that have no clear cut answers. But it is always interesting to discuss and even argue about these questions.
I have been hearing a lot lately about how I should have no expectations in my relationship with my family, friends, strangers, God. Ok this is what I don't get. If you have no expectations then how do we feel, how do we love, how are we a caring friend? It seems to me that expectation is tied up with our feelings toward everyone. With no expectations there is only logic and thought. That sounds good, we have found a way to insulate ourselves against hurt and disappointments. But without the need to hear a loved ones voice at a critical time. or see a friend when we need that closeness and confidant, we become closed off and distant. We have some expectation that people will be there for us at least some of the time. For example, I have a friend, but what kind of friend always puts you off and never has time to meet. I expect something from all my friends, that is to at least try to maintain the connection, otherwise why be friends.
Maybe we have no expectations for people or events in our life that we really don't care that much about. That is easy. What's difficult is having little or no expectations for someone you care about. It hurts when they don't meet your expectations. After a relationship, either friend or more, is established there are mutual expectations, and that is what makes a relationship strong. When two people share common expectations the relationship progresses from you or me to the most prized aspect of human interaction, "we". At that point the expectations evolve into "it just happens". Effortless and beautiful.
Sometimes a relationship will devolve into too many unreasonable expectations. Its a shame. Even loving relationships can suffer that fate. Then it's up to those involved to re-evaluate those expectations and try to replace those that don't work with new ones that can rekindle the "we".
So what have I learned so far in this emotional journey through life? I am trying to see things from another's point of view, people can't always be there when I want and do and behave as I want. Maybe I should lower my expectations to coincide with reality. I think I would be happier doing so. Ill try. And that is a positive step forward.