On the Edge of the Abyss

Yeah, this is going to be a little on the dark side.  Ya know what....I don't care.  Feelings are feelings and sometimes they get so loud in the head that if I don't acknowledge them, they might come flooding out my ears.  

I've had this image in my head for a while now.  It's an image of walking up to the edge of a bottomless pit, looking over the lip and staring into the black nothingness of infinity.  So I'm trying to figure out what drives us to that edge.  What the abyss represents and why I can't seem to either jump across safely or dive head first into the comforting void.  I'm just frozen there staring.  Doing nothing but thinking.  Taking no action.  

So this is what I think might be happening.  I am going through a lot of changes and re evaluation of everything in my life.  So the pit represents the negative outcomes of possible actions.  Naturally, the idea of the other side shows the safety of positive decisions and actions.  Right now I'm frozen with indecision at the edge.  I think about saying to myself, fuck it all and dive in and take the easy route.  After all falling forever takes no effort, just a little push off the edge and down you go into oblivion.  But, jumping to the other side, making positive decisions and actions takes effort and will power, and has more tangible rewards in the long run.  It is easy for an observer to give their advice on your actions.  But they should only give unbiased honest opinions.  That is what I do with my friends, straightforward observation,  opinion and advice.  I see through my eyes of course, but the advice is given with caring and concern for someone that is important to me.  I expect the same in return.  But ultimately we alone make our life decisions.  We decide to jump in or jump across.  

Now here is the part of this image that blows my mind if I think too much.  If we jump in we think we are going into a pit of nothingness, but it really leads to a long fall that ends up landing on the edge of another pit, for another decision.  And if we jump across the pit we walk a while only to come upon another.  
We live with the consequences of our decisions and actions.  And some of our actions can and do effect our future lives.  I think that is why I see an unending line of pits.  The individual one is not infinity.  Our decision, positive or negative, will lead us on to further decisions. But we must make a decision, because if we take no action and just teeter on the edge we run the risk of sinking into the soft dirt of the edge and not ever moving again.  That inaction is worse than the abyss, that inaction is really the edge of insanity.

Oh, God

I have never quoted an author in my blog before, but I feel compelled to share what I have read recently because of the impact a few words from a book have had on me. The book is Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. You might have seen the movie. The movie is very good, but the book is amazing. How one person can be so insightful into the human condition and offer…well offer that there is hope in our lives, that even though we might be going through depression, loneliness and a lot of changes, there is a constant through it all.

Elizabeth is in Rome on an expedition of self exploration and is sitting in her apartment one night, feeling very depressed and lonely. She had been taking an anti-depressant but has stopped. She is feeling very alone. So she has starts a conversation with God, with whom she admits she sometimes doesn’t believe in. Then she writes in her journal, a revelation, “Who are you talking to, then?” She goes on to write:

“I’m here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. If you need the medication again, go ahead and take it—I will love you through that, as well. If you don’t need the medication, I will love you, too. There’s nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.”

Later in that chapter she writes about finding herself to be her own best friend. I think it is important for us to realize that you have to be your own best friend no matter what, because when everyone else is gone from the room, you are left with yourself. Depression and loneliness make lousy friends and don’t have your best interest at heart. So when we discover ourselves to be our own best friend we let in the possibility that God does exist and that we talk to God when we are talking to ourselves. Maybe wise words of encouragement don’t always have to come from the bible or learned scholars. Maybe wisdom is found in some unlikely places, like the words in a book by a woman we don’t even know yet seems to be able to look into our souls and find some truth. We don’t need to travel the world to find our truths, we just need to travel into our heart, and there, if we pay attention and listen, we can find the voice of God.