Hug someone, it will help you feel great

As I start my journey learning about massage therapy, I have realized that human touch is an amazingly powerful tool of healing that we are in  danger of losing.   I think we have lost a bit of the meaning and helpfulness of the the human touch.  It seems to me that today's society is encouraging more electronic socialization and less face to face contact and thus less touching between family and friends.  
There are two other things that I think are contributing to less touching.  The first is that we live in such a litigious society.  Professional people such as teachers, especially males, are afraid to give a crying child a pat on the shoulder or a hug for fear of it being perceived as something perverted.  To me it is a shame that a child in need of comfort is denied the very thing that helps so much, a simple touch of the hand or a little hug.  God, people are so uptight these days.  Yes, there are some real sick people out there, but the majority would never touch A child inappropriately.  Does that mean we should all stop?
Second, with adults especially between the sexes, there is the thought that if a man and woman touch it has to be sexual.  Well from my point of view it isn't.  I have gotten very comfortable giving hugs to my friends both male and female.  It is a simple thing that can be so reassuring especially in a support group.  It is a wonderful feeling to hug a friend and feel their warmth and caring.  Or a simple touch of the hand conveys the true emotion and support of the other person.  
The simplicity of a hug reaffirms our humanity.  We are social beings and to deny that is to deny our history and possibly the quality of life in the future.  We need each other, we crave human contact.  We need the support of others and to show our own caring to them.  We must do what our instincts tell us and that is to hug someone, it will help you, and them, feel great.

Life with them gone

Part of what made the last few months bearable and helped me recuperate from prostate cancer surgery was having my youngest son home from college for the summer.  He has helped me so much and I don't think he even realizes this fact.  I am fortunate that I have a great relationship with both my boys.  But since my oldest is just about totally out of the house, I depend more on my youngest to get my "son" fix.  

So what has he done for me?   He shows me what living life is all about.  He has a great passion for his music and that is contagious to me.  It reminds me of my youth when music ment so much to me.  He is doing it. He is a music major at CMU.  He loves it.  He enjoys his friends and loves to have a good time, but hardly ever over does it.  He is also quite level headed, especially for a person only 19 years old. This gives him the balance that is so needed in everyones life. (I am thinking about the movie "eat pray love")  I recognize this as so important because my life is extremely out of balance right now.   He loves his mother. Like every good boy should.  It is nice to see that he respects her.  I guess the one thing that I have taught him, is to respect women, of any age.  I know he does, his relationship with is mother shows me that.   

We just drove him up to school this past Saturday and  he was overjoyed to be going back and once again the selfish man in me wished he could stay, but the good father in me knows it is right for him to want to be away at school.  It is OK. Both my sons are out of the house and even my youngest may not stay here next summer.

A good thing though is that he still needs me.  We talk and text and have meaningful conversations about what is going on in his life and occasionally he will ask me for advice.  All I want is for him to be happy and be a good caring man.  

Life with them gone is tough on me sometimes, but I know it is right and I am happy my boys are turning out well.  We have had our ups and downs while they were growing up.  Being a parent is difficult at times, but I have been rewarded by seeing my sons grow into men I am proud to know.

Decisions, Decisions

I hate the indecisions in my life.  Now don't worry, I'm not getting depressed again.  It's just that I am getting tired of not knowing what I want to do with my life.  Getting tired!  Wow, that is an understatement.  When you go through a year plus of not knowing what to do, it is a kind of sickness.  In one respect it is like cancer.  It totally drains your mind and body of energy and well being.  And as such we can fight it like cancer, with prayer, positive thoughts, help from friends and some effective drugs.  But ultimately it comes down to....make a fuckin decision!  Stop being such a wimp and grow a pair.  No one can tell me that and have it mean anything.  I have to realize that myself.  I love all my friends, but I have to make my own decisions.  Me alone.  And that is a very good thing.
Being your own best friend.  That is an important lesson to learn. There are some things in life that you just have to do yourself. Like Making your own decisions about certain things.  Start doing this and you become a better person with more strength and confidence.  You become a better spouse, or significant other, and friend.  You gain confidence to do what you have to.  You are no longer a person you don't like.  
I guess the important thing in life is to keep trying to improve.  Not to stagnate,  keep moving toward your goals.  Don't let people dictate your feelings.  You are the only one that can influence your feelings.  
When I first started my support group at Gildas Club, I was told that I was am emotional infant.  Cancer resets your emotions to a new starting point. you grow and develop from there.  Now I realize why I was in such awe of some of my younger friends,  they were light years ahead of me in dealing with and overcoming the mental devastation of cancer.  But I'm just beginning to catch up.   I was an infant , then a toddler,  falling down a lot and not knowing much of anything. Now I'm an adolescent full of questions and exploring who I've become and will become as an adult.  I still have a ways to go, but I am progressing. It is my decision.

Get A Life

This is a particularly unusual weekend for me. I have been alone since
Thursday, my wife is out of town enjoying her friends up north. My son is here,
which is great, so I should rephrase.....I am sans peers this weekend. I have
tried to spend some time with friends which has not worked out. I understand
that friends have other plans and can't always be there for me, and that is OK.
I did have dinner last night with some people from my congregation, but right
now they are more aquaintances then friends I can talk to about anything. But
it is possible they will be. I did have a good time.

So, I'm alone on Friday night. What to do? I need to minimize my anxiety about
returning to work on Monday. Major, big time anxiety. So instead of going home
and vegging out in front of the tv, feeling depressed and sorry for myself, as the old me would have, I went to a club and listened to music and had some beers. (don't worry I stopped drinking well before I drove home). I had a good time, by myself. Wow, by myself is not a bad thing. I wasn't lonely, I wasn't anxious, I just lived in the moment and enjoyed the atmosphere. I realized I am going to be OK no matter what happens.

My job, my friends, my personal life, all will work out the way it should. In
the past I have thought that I really didn't have much of a life, that I was
always a reflection of the people close to me. Well, I am my own person, I
don't need anyone but myself, to feel good about myself. I love my family and
my friends, and can't live without them. But, I also can't live without me
being and accepting me. Which I think is one of the keys to being a good,
caring and understanding person. We need to be all of that to ourselves too.

We resist change sometimes, but over the last few months, through my cancer,
recovery, survival, depression and anxiety I have changed. I hope and pray that
I'm changing for the better. Change can be good even if it is brought on by
something bad. But I think I am changing to take more steps toward getting a
life. A good life, filled with what is important. Getting a life is not just
for me, it is for the people I love and care about so much. And living to give
is primary in my quest to get a life.

Balancing Act

How do we keep our lives in balance? What do we do to get back in balance when something knocks us off that tightrope? I think I have found a couple of things that can get me back in balance. Simplicity and no expectations.
I went with my family to a friends cottage in Canada on the southern shore of Lake Huron. We were there for 2 days. Even though the time was short, I had
the most wonderful time. It was a new concept for me. No plans, no technology and no expectations. We got there on Sunday afternoon. We had lunch and then
went to the beach, which you could see from the house. Our friends have daughters in their twenties and they also have cousins and their friends in their twenties. I was sitting and talking with my friend when the cousins invited me to play baseball on the beach. Which I did. We had a great time. I so enjoyed playing with the young people. The energy and pure pleasure of just "doing whatever" is a great motivator for me to get off my ass and live life. Later we had dinner and after I played poker with some of the cousins. I didn't win but I didn't care, again just a lot of fun.
The next day we went to a small town nearby and went window shopping. It
started raining, but did that stop us from enjoying ourselves? Hell no. We
just hung out in various stores and got wet. So what. It rained all day, so we didn't go to the beach and we didn't have a campfire, so instead we played cards and board games and talked late into the night. The game called Balderdash is hilarious, ask me about it. It's simple and low tech.

The next morning was still cloudy but the rain had stopped and we sat on the
beach for a while then said our goodbyes. I wanted to stay, I didn't want this
most pleasurable time to end. But it is OK. I learned something about myself.
I don't need anything more than another human being's company to have a good
time. I don't need to spend a lot of money to measure entertainment. I don't
need technology to have fun.
The balance is slowly returning to my life. Or did I really ever have it? All
I do know is simple living with no expectations of people or events helps me
realize what was missing in my life. I make myself crazy with complexities and
expectations. It is time to stop, and like the seagull in the picture, get myself balanced.

The amazing people of Gilda's Club

The place that I go to for mental rest. The place that I go to for battery recharging. The place I go to just to be me and to let my hair down. And if my friends don’t have hair (not by choice) then I am supporting them that much more. Gilda’s Club are people that welcome me with no judgments, no preconceived notions, no pressure, no stress, and no criticisms. The friends I have made there are true friends, providing me with support and caring just because I provide them with the same. No quid pro quo just unabashed caring and emotional support. We are all members of the “club” and as such share a bond that is deeper and more real than most. I know I get emotional over the good and bad in my life. And if singing (or writing, you don’t want to hear me sing) the praises of a great place with great people is being too emotional….then I am guilty. I have received so much more than I have given. But I will give more. I am just starting.

There is more to this than just the members. There are some great caring people that are part of the staff of Gilda’s Club. I have not met everyone, but if the ones I have met are any example of the quality of person that is part of the staff, I can’t wait to meet them all. And yet I am worried about what will happen in the future. I see the clubhouse is only open four days a week; I would love to see it open on the weekends, because when I go back to work I am afraid I won’t be able to go there as much as I do now. I don’t know the reason for this but I can only express my desire to see it open more. This is not a criticism, just one member’s observation.

When I first got my diagnosis back in February, I had no idea what to do, who to turn to for advice or even what doctor to go to. I stumbled into Gilda’s Club in early March, to a new members meeting. As soon as I walked in I knew I was in “the” place for me. I was welcomed and the person I talked to, talked to me for a few minutes, not an interview and a “sales pitch” for the organization, but a real good genuine conversation about what Gilda’s Club is and what I might get out of it as a member. I was given a tour of the entire house and told the history of how Gilda’s Club was formed. It was my decision to join right away. One, I had nothing to lose (the pragmatic part of me), but I also felt so at home there that it really was an easy decision. The next week I attended my first group meeting. I walked into the room and sat down and immediately felt at ease. I sensed such a good vibe and a warm feeling of acceptance. I get that every time I walk in, no matter what is happening with the other members (and sometimes it can be really bad), no matter how bad someone feels for themselves, I always get a vibe of support. It is the most amazing thing to get emotional support from someone who is not feeling well. To me it is the epitome of giving. Actually I have run out of words praising the members and staff of Gilda’s Club. I will end by saying that it has been an enormous factor in helping me deal with my cancer and the aftermath of surgery and the emotional turmoil that follows both. Without Gilda’s Club, I would not be anywhere near ready to go back to work, to go back to dealing with reality and to go back to living. I know that with my friends help I will get there. Thank you all.

My Friend

I have a friend who has helped me a lot through my time with cancer and after my surgery.  He went through the same diagnosis as me, same doctor and same surgery.  All a year earlier then me.  He is a bit younger.  So don't let anyone tell you prostate cancer is something only older men get.  
My friend talked to me about the surgery, supported me before and after. Gave me words of encouragement and hope.  I walked with him in the Relay for Life.  We walked arm in arm to the finish line, crying.  But they were tears of happiness that he was able to help me and I think, I helped him too. He was not afraid of being another emotion all man.  Truly a special gift to me.
It's funny how sometimes we can find some of our anchors in life through the most terrible of times.  I reconnected with my friend 3 days before my surgery, but it was as if we were always friends.  Amazing!  
What makes me sad is that he is hurting again.  He is mad at his situation and might have lost his faith in people and God.  What can I do as a caring friend?  I am there to talk whenever he wants.  I listen and observe.  He is a good man, and has a lot to offer. It is difficult to see someone that can be so up and positive, still find himself angry and bitter.  I am afraid his negative emotions will eat him up one day.  I tell him what he told me.  Live strong, have faith and give to others. Everyone finds their own way in their own time.  I hope and pray that my friend will find his way in life that gives him peace of mind. After all, that is all an emotion all man can ever hope for another.